No Proofreads. No Edits.

I was a late bloomer in the dating world. Late bloomer in the hook up world. Late bloomer in basically anything fun. I wan’t unfun, but I liked following the rules on the inside despite my outward bravado that screamed I did not.

I had my first girlfriend in college. She was (I am sure still is) an amazing person. I’ll tell you that story some other time. We dated for three years. I spent the first year learning the battle of the sexes, the needs of the genders, the whole Venus v. Mars thing. I had this internal analysis of “Do I not like this about her?” v. “Do I not like this about women?”

I’ve always lived for the lockeroom. I fully embraced the safe place of cutting up and boys being boys. The intimacy of men connecting over something greater than themselves- even if it is just a round ball going into a net. I loved what the locker room created because you could take it out into the real world. It was a connection someone else couldn’t understand unless they were there.

I remember navigating the waters of my first dating relationship. Understanding intimacy with the opposite sex. I am not talking even about physical intimacy but rather how to hold a conversation in private for hours on end. Slowly exchanging shame and secrets. Learning you cannot talk to her the same way you talk to your roommate. Figuring out girls have needs that don’t exactly match with what you are naturally equipped to meet. I learned in 2008 that it’s not good for me to plan a date night and watch college football at the same time. Silly things like that.

I also had to weigh the difference between what is hard about being attracted to women and what is hard about being attracted to my girlfriend. The latter could be a good faith reason to call it quits. It’s not working out. We aren’t meant for each other. The former, however, leaves you in a whole new catergory of shit-storm.

If you are attracted to women, desire women, have internal fantasies and dreams about women, and all during these it is exclusively women… you better deal with the things you find hard about women. Now, I am not sterotyping or categorizing all women. The same goes for women and men and I promise you there is a MUCH longer list of things men do to irritate women than the other way around. The genders have been dealing with this for years. It’s also the reason therapy is pretty cool when needed. Let the professionals be professionals.

I am reaching the point with both my new children where I am weighing two distincit questions, “Are you acting this way because of the (big T) Trauma you’ve been through?” or “Is this just how kids are?”

This battle really cramps one’s parenting style. We recognize trauma in this house. My wife and I are in a book club that spent several evenings discussing big and little t/T trauma. These t/T’s define us indiviudally, they shape our marriage, and they even may shape those things that you don’t like about women/men/your partner. A real, “It’s not you, it’s me” situation brewing. (Try having that realization over a chicken pot pie on your buddy’s porch with 4 couples staring at you. Talk about intimacy).

When the children lash out it’s getting really hard to determine how to react. Do we empathize, slow down, nurture the t/T? Or are you being five and we come down a bit more direct and stern? Do we Ceasar Millan this bad attitude with a quick “tsss” and eye contact or do we Good Will Hunting this shit and let Robin Williams hold a devastated Matt Damon?

It’s not one size fits all. My first girlfriend and my wife have different needs. I have different needs than my wife’s past relationship. My biological son has different needs from my biological daugther. So on and so forth.

These kids came to us as what we thought was Ikea furniture with no instructions. We were able ato attach the legs to the flat part of the table without batting an eye. However, we are reaching the point where we have screws, wooden pegs, pieces everywhere, and a little less energy to figure this out. The good news is, these children arent some cheap warehouse box set, they are mahogony, they are granite, they are hard to build…but they won’t break.