No Proofreads. No Edits.

I have spent most of my life looking forward. Day dreamer for sure. Yet, I’ve come full circle on dreams. I think dreaming is both healthy and incredibly immature. At some point you have to realize that no one cares about your potential or what you could be; you truly are what you are. A great philospher once said, “I am what I am.” (it was Popeye who said this).

I now find it unrelatable when people talk about the future or what “we should do.” I find it frustrating when people don’t put their helmet on and just go to work. I find it nauseating when people paint themselves in a light that is nothing more than an image they’ve drawn on the wall and tried to convince you it’s their shadow. Lawyers are the worst of the worst at this. Don’t believe me? Read a billboard. You aren’t a superhero, you aren’t even altruistic. You’re a capatlist and that’s ok, just own it.

So I’ve lived in the moment a lot in my 30s. Not really beyond it. I go to work. I recognize that my life can be enhanced. I recognize my life can be depleted. I go to work just the sane. I firmly believe that income is a game of chance and luck and has zero to do with your education, ability, or work ethic. Pat yourself on the back big guy but I promise you there is a 17 year old working as a cashier for CVS who is outworking you every damn day. Life happens, but it’s not because of you and me.

Lately though, I have felt extremely convicted to look back. As I was taught from day 1 to trust God with my future and “the plans He has for you”, no one ever said to turn around. I’ve been turned around a lot this past month and have held The Gaffer’s hand bumping into things because our eyes are off the road. It’s almost as if whatever lies ahead doesn’t quite matter because what has happened so far is suddenly so beautiful.

I think this is what happens when you die. I think there is certainly a moment where your soul is confronted or at least presented with the past. To look at it in real time feels almost euphoric.

When I look back there are certainly chance encounters that have lead me to today. Those are fun to run through linearly. I have stories of getting caught “cheating” 1L year, stories of getting a job offer on a napkin, and moments of subjective achievement. However, what is more glaringly obvious than actions or events are the people that were placed in my life from the beginning to now. The friends, the mentors, and the loved ones. I never chose them; hard to say if they chose me.

I am not lost on the boasting that this entry truly is. The fact that I can ignore the demons as I sift through the archeology of my life. Light overpowering the dark is not a guarantee. I’m the lucky one.

I watch my kids grow up and I hope they look forward to tomorrow. One day they will stop looking forward and be confronted with everything behind them. I hope they see all their people as they peek in the rear-view mirror.