No Proofreads. No Edits.

I have had a reoccuring conversation with one of my favorite extended family members. She is watching a parent get closer and closer to Jesus. The withering away is tragic and hard and helpless. The tears come in waves and for different reasons. It leaves one wondering, “why?” It’s hard to watch her get formed in the grieving process- a process that continues to be wrapped in numerous smiles, laughter, and hope. She and her family are being molded slowly. It can’t feel good. It certainly doesn’t feel good.

The contrast to this is different but the outcome is equal. The surpise, unexpected loss of a loved one v. the long journey through the gift shop. Take your pick. No right answer. Naturally, we all think we want the latter, but a deeper analysis may have us regretting what we ask for. The suddenness of anything can be jarring to think about. However, hope and fear can be absolutely debilitating and suddeness allows you to skip both of those steps in moments of tragedy. Is it better to face the difficulty head on or wait slowly as you watch the difficulty rise like the sun knowing you cannot change the fate? The slowness can kill everyone involved. Neither option is worthy of envy.

There was a moment this weekend, and most weekends, where time stops and I laugh at myself. “How the fuck did we get here?” is a phrase I have tatted on my brain. She put it best yesterday in the car ride home, “Despite how shitty this can be, it’s annoying how confident I am that we doing the right thing.” God has made that abundantly clear and that clarity is a miracle. That clarity of “this is the right thing” keeps us alive and, honestly, smiling. That clarity, despite the chaos makes every intimate moment better between her and me- the conversation, jokes, laughter, sex. Truly, to be connected on the idea that you are doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing is a connection that I don’t think I’ve experienced. It’s like our souls long to thank each other for being there in every conversation, hug, hand hold.

I think the suddeness of this jolting change has saved everyone involved. I don’t know if we go one than the other if the other ever comes. I dont know if we go one slowly that the teamwork comes together like it has. I don’t know if the love that is required to make this work is formulated correctly without just being thrown into the deep end with no warning. I think slowness in this process would have us contemplating regret and questioning the future.

Being thrust into this life is the medicine we didn’t know we needed for this experience. I worry about by biological kids because the young minds are different. I worry about my new kids because being thrust into Mayoville, USA cannot be easy. I think it’s best to probably eat the casserole one bite at a time but for them, they get the plate full of saltless canned chicken bake all at once.

The all-out blitz is the most dangerous defensive play in football. It’s high risk high reward. The defense sends everyone they can to tackle the quarterback. If the QB picks up on this, he has a split second to make a throw that, if completed, is going to be a great play because 90% of the defense is now out of position. The best QBs pick up that the defense is coming all at once before the ball is even snapped. They yell to the receivers a code word that means “hot route” – the ball is coming fast and you got to be ready… It’s a thing of beauty.

God has been preparing us to read this defense for so long that we didn’t even know thats what we were doing. On June 20th, the entire defense rushed the QB. The play hasn’t ended yet but it feels like we picked up on this blitz play before the snap and we are distributing the ball to the receiver with ease. Although ease still means that the QB is going to absolutely get rocked the second the ball leaves his hands, we have them right where we want them.

In reflecting on the sudden change that was June 20th, it’s as if this whole thing wasn’t so sudden afterall.