No Proofreads. No Edits.

Being radical in anything is probably a shitty start. You aren’t smart enough, as a human, to be radical. Speaking in conlsusions really destroys the mystery of life. Stop debating stupid shit.

We live in the land of manifest destiny (don’t get me started on this or the pledge of allegiance). As a white man, I was raised to believe that I can become anything I want to be. Being an astronaut was met with a “you betcha” and not a “you’re too tall” (muchless not smart enough, dare we crush the young prince’s dreams). It’s wild how no one ever let in room for doubt. Doubt was the devil’s work. Don’t let it creep in and don’t ever let someone tell you “no”.

You take that sense of entitlement into adulthood and you’re wondering what is wrong with you by age 25 when you realize college was collosal waste of time outside the socialization aspect. You find yourself cold calling software sales for a company no one has ever heard of wondering why you aren’t in D.C. working for the CIA like you had always dreamed and your mommy always told you that you could.

Faith in the evangelical south has followed suit. You believe in one thing and you believe in it so hard that if you don’t ever believe in it as hard as you do now than did you ever believe at all?! And again, about the age of 25 hits and you’re wondering if you’re the only virgin in America and what the point of anything is at all.

It’s uncomfortable to admit that, sometimes, this believing thing is quite hard. Dare I say, at times it is broken. No one has normalized the idea that “unbelief” is actually the most normal way to believe. No one ever says, “I was praying to Jesus but I’ll be honest, I dont know if that’s really a thing today.” It’s all to faux pas to admit that your faith has off hours, off prayers, off days, off seasons. It’s uncomfortable to admit that sometimes you are just tired of believing in somthing you cannot see. I weep for the people who feel misunderstood/alone in this and hurt for those who cannot get out of it.

It’s a shame that Christians don’t allow the youth to believe on a part-time schedule. We can be so binary with our children when it comes to faith. We act like the Word of God doesn’t contemplate the struggles of believing in a 2000 year old fact pattern that begins and ends with the most unscientific explanations this world has to offer. I think we have to start practicing our unbelief from a young age and not be afraid of it. Perhaps our souls aren’t as fragile as we think.

“…help my unbelief.” That’s all we need. Help.

What’s the first step towards help? Understanding. We need understanding that unbelief is ok and is certainly not isolated.

I struggle with always believing that life will be ok. The Gaffer and I have discussed the death of “ease” in this season and possibly the lack of its resurrection ever again. To sit in the ubelief that things will ever be as easy as they were for any of us in this family can be real sobering. And by sobering, I mean it can really makes me want to drink a shit ton of whiskey.

For the new two. It’s so easy to point to all the things that God has done to make their life better. From homeless to Harvard. From truant to trustfund (so to speak). It’s easy to sound the horn on these things and call it a day. Yet, this misses the reality of the situtation.

These two souls were taken from a hard situation and put into another, completely different, hard situation. Everyone values food, shelter, love, and human touch. We are providing all of those things. However, sometimes those things come with a penalty, a tax. The tax of looking different, the tax of not being understood, the tax of feeling unwanted.

Would you exchange a life of luxury, opportunity, and comfort for your own mom? You can have everything in the world but, at the age of 5, you have to die from your own mother. You wouldn’t choose it now, you wouldn’t choose it then. Neither would they. There is an unbelief that they will ever be ok from what has been done to them.

I am sitting in these nuggets of unbelief. It feels really empty, but not alone. I think that’s right. I think as long as you aren’t alone for too long, it’s all temporary.

“Believe in me, help me believe in anything, ’cause I wanna be someone who believes.” – Mr. Jones by Counting Crows